wonder who will they be interested in bombing.. ahahaha
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Its been so long since i blogged. I dun really find it fun that I should post everything that I do, see or feel into my blog.
anyways, in order to fill up the white box,
i spent the entire night during my law assignment. I only knew about it at 8pm last night and roughly finished it around 2am. ahaha
hope i get an B or even a A. ahaha.. but i am looking around the D or Cs area.
i will post more relevant stuff soon. btw, its true the longer you spend in Australia, the more your english will deteoriate. either that or blogspot's english dictionary.
anyways, in order to fill up the white box,
i spent the entire night during my law assignment. I only knew about it at 8pm last night and roughly finished it around 2am. ahaha
hope i get an B or even a A. ahaha.. but i am looking around the D or Cs area.
i will post more relevant stuff soon. btw, its true the longer you spend in Australia, the more your english will deteoriate. either that or blogspot's english dictionary.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Every great man.
some people say, we will never grow up until we have experienced the hardships in life.
our grandparents went through the 2nd world war when they were young. my grandfather ran off into the jungle and survived.
he than came back and built up Hup Lee Sdn Bhd. He was one of the few wholesales in malaysia back when it was still young. He supplied food to the army, and basically everywhere in malaysia.
Even during the May 13 riots, the tunku came to see my grandfather and gave him a few police or army riot tanks and trucks to protect his lorries from being looted. He said to my grandfather, "you must continue"
why? some may say... no food = starvation = more riots. Basic human thinking. if we have no food or at a point where food may be scarce, we will go off rioting. the american tv series, Jericho is a good example.
There are many good points of my grandfather. Even at his old age of 80, he had a blood test and the readings were almost as good as an 18yr old!
At his prime, my grandfather was a great man. He helped the government, he helped the people. My father even tells me of a tale where my grandfather let his personal "army" to save the chinese people in kampung melayu during the May 13 riots.
He had his contacts. You can see the Tan Sris, Datuks and whatever else names u have in malaysia every chinese new year arriving in mercedes, volvos with their drivers and bodyguards. When we were young, they were the favorite as they used to give $50-$100 red packets. ^^ The house used to get packed as everyone came just to know them or my grandfather.
As he grew older, like every other old man, he grew weaker but his morals stood.
He believed on his health and getting him to the hospital was a pain.
Despite his misdoings, his miscalculations, his mistakes, everyone still has their good points. Thats why my father respects him so much. Thats why i do too.
Ah gong, I will miss you. Please rest in peace.
our grandparents went through the 2nd world war when they were young. my grandfather ran off into the jungle and survived.
he than came back and built up Hup Lee Sdn Bhd. He was one of the few wholesales in malaysia back when it was still young. He supplied food to the army, and basically everywhere in malaysia.
Even during the May 13 riots, the tunku came to see my grandfather and gave him a few police or army riot tanks and trucks to protect his lorries from being looted. He said to my grandfather, "you must continue"
why? some may say... no food = starvation = more riots. Basic human thinking. if we have no food or at a point where food may be scarce, we will go off rioting. the american tv series, Jericho is a good example.
There are many good points of my grandfather. Even at his old age of 80, he had a blood test and the readings were almost as good as an 18yr old!
At his prime, my grandfather was a great man. He helped the government, he helped the people. My father even tells me of a tale where my grandfather let his personal "army" to save the chinese people in kampung melayu during the May 13 riots.
He had his contacts. You can see the Tan Sris, Datuks and whatever else names u have in malaysia every chinese new year arriving in mercedes, volvos with their drivers and bodyguards. When we were young, they were the favorite as they used to give $50-$100 red packets. ^^ The house used to get packed as everyone came just to know them or my grandfather.
As he grew older, like every other old man, he grew weaker but his morals stood.
He believed on his health and getting him to the hospital was a pain.
Despite his misdoings, his miscalculations, his mistakes, everyone still has their good points. Thats why my father respects him so much. Thats why i do too.
Ah gong, I will miss you. Please rest in peace.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Life so far
bored, broke, what else can i say?
internet now really costs 0.03mb/c cause my housemates refuse to apply for broadband. Fine with me but i cant do my research or it'll cost me $10 just to surf the internet. DAMN U ITS! MAY U BE BURNED.
oh yea, there was a stabbing in school today.. apparently it was girl on girl. Ten's channel news reporters came today. Everyone was like so excited. Their helicopter was circling the university campus. I just wanted to borrow my textbook to study. Guess where the arena was, the toilet, in the library!
lolz.. of all the places, a library.
guess thats the only thing interesting happening in universities these days.
Here is the article: http://www.theage.com.au/news/national/woman-stabbed-at-uni-campus/2007/05/08/1178390275877.html
internet now really costs 0.03mb/c cause my housemates refuse to apply for broadband. Fine with me but i cant do my research or it'll cost me $10 just to surf the internet. DAMN U ITS! MAY U BE BURNED.
oh yea, there was a stabbing in school today.. apparently it was girl on girl. Ten's channel news reporters came today. Everyone was like so excited. Their helicopter was circling the university campus. I just wanted to borrow my textbook to study. Guess where the arena was, the toilet, in the library!
lolz.. of all the places, a library.
guess thats the only thing interesting happening in universities these days.
Here is the article: http://www.theage.com.au/news/national/woman-stabbed-at-uni-campus/2007/05/08/1178390275877.html
Sunday, April 01, 2007
JOHNNY CASH LYRICS
"Cry, Cry, Cry"
Everybody knows where you go when the sun goes down.
I think you only live to see the lights of town.
I wasted my time when I would try, try, try.
When the lights have lost their glow, you're gonna cry, cry, cry.
I lie awake at night and wait 'til you come in.
You stay a little while and then you're gone again.
Every question that I ask, I get a lie, lie, lie.
For every lie you tell, you're gonna cry, cry, cry.
You're gonna cry, cry, cry and you'll cry alone,
When everyone's forgotten and you're left on your own.
You're gonna cry, cry, cry.
Soon your sugar-daddies will all be gone.
You'll wake up some cold day and find you're alone.
You'll call to me but I'm gonna tell you: "Bye, bye, bye,"
When I turn around and walk away, you'll cry, cry, cry,
When your fickle little love gets old, no one will care for you.
You'll come back to me for a little love that's true.
I'll tell you no and you gonna ask me why, why, why?
When I remind you of all of this, you'll cry, cry, cry.
You're gonna cry, cry, cry and you'll cry alone,
When everyone's forgotten and you're left on your own.
You're gonna cry, cry, cry.
You're gonna cry, cry, cry and you'll want me there,
It'll hurt when you think of the fool you've been.
You're gonna cry, cry, cry.
JOHNNY CASH LYRICS
"I Won't Back Down"
[Verse 1]
Well I won't back down, no I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
[Verse 2]
Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won't back down
[Chorus]
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground and I won't back down
[Verse 3]
Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground and I won't back down
[Chorus]
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground and I won't back down
No I won't back down.
"Cry, Cry, Cry"
Everybody knows where you go when the sun goes down.
I think you only live to see the lights of town.
I wasted my time when I would try, try, try.
When the lights have lost their glow, you're gonna cry, cry, cry.
I lie awake at night and wait 'til you come in.
You stay a little while and then you're gone again.
Every question that I ask, I get a lie, lie, lie.
For every lie you tell, you're gonna cry, cry, cry.
You're gonna cry, cry, cry and you'll cry alone,
When everyone's forgotten and you're left on your own.
You're gonna cry, cry, cry.
Soon your sugar-daddies will all be gone.
You'll wake up some cold day and find you're alone.
You'll call to me but I'm gonna tell you: "Bye, bye, bye,"
When I turn around and walk away, you'll cry, cry, cry,
When your fickle little love gets old, no one will care for you.
You'll come back to me for a little love that's true.
I'll tell you no and you gonna ask me why, why, why?
When I remind you of all of this, you'll cry, cry, cry.
You're gonna cry, cry, cry and you'll cry alone,
When everyone's forgotten and you're left on your own.
You're gonna cry, cry, cry.
You're gonna cry, cry, cry and you'll want me there,
It'll hurt when you think of the fool you've been.
You're gonna cry, cry, cry.
JOHNNY CASH LYRICS
"I Won't Back Down"
[Verse 1]
Well I won't back down, no I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
[Verse 2]
Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won't back down
[Chorus]
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground and I won't back down
[Verse 3]
Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground and I won't back down
[Chorus]
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground and I won't back down
No I won't back down.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
"Smack That"
(feat. thc)
[Akon:]
Shady
Convict
Upfront
Akon
Slim Shady
I see your siblings so rude i cannot tahan!!
I feel them touching me, i seriously cannot tahan
Wanna take my parang and start to chop them up!!
But i will tahan them and just bring my cane
And possibly bend them over and watch me
[Chorus (2X):]
Smack them all on the floor
Smack them give them somemore
Smack them 'till they get sore
Smack them oh so hard !
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Sex Jokes
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”“This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”[SIZE=4]Heres a good story (joke)
[/size] My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.
That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini-skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I
was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom , and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car
Ohh to be six
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms andthen took her off to the local theme park.What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M M's. What a fabulous adventure!Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed."You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story:Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear."God Almighty !" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good" and Mary fell back asleep.A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again."Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin.This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"The Teacher fainted.
A third grade teacher told her class, "Children, we are going to begin to study a little sex education. Tonight, girls, your first assignment will be to find out from your parents how to avoid getting pregnant. For you boys, your assignment will be to go home and find out what a penis is."So little Johnny goes home and asks his father, "Daddy, what is a penis?" The father pulls down his pants and points proudly saying, "Son, that is a perfect penis."The next day, when Johnny gets to school, his best friend runs up to him on the playground and says to Johnny, "I forgot to find out what a penis is! What's a penis!"Johnny tells him, "Come on." So they both go into the boys room and Johnny pulls down his pants. He points down and says, "There, if that was a little smaller, it would be a perfect penis!"
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror.This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion."If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper,and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, and began rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks."They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women`s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry." This infurated the wife and daughter so the daughter said."Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man`s twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"
Daniel wakes up at home with a huge hangover.He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is acouple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean andpressed.Daniel looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table."Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.LoveYou!"So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast andthe morning newspaper.His son is also at the table, eating.Daniel asks: "Son, what happened last night?"His son says: "Well, you came home around 3 am drunk and delirious.Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a blackeye when you stumbled into the door."Confused, Daniel asks: "So,why is everything in order and so clean, andbreakfast is on the table waiting for me?"His son replies" "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when shetried to take your pants off, you said,"LADY,LEAVE ME ALONE,I"MMARRIED!!"
MORAL of the tale:Self-induced hangover -- $100.00
Broken furniture -- $2,000.00Breakfast -- $10.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk -- PRICELESS
A young lady got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery. As a result, her husband offered the skin off his butt for the surgery. She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.One night she and her husband were watching TV when she broke down crying. "What's the matter?" her husband asked.She said "I can't believe you did this for me."Her husband hugged her and replied, "Don't worry about it, I love you, and I'd do anything for you.""But how will I ever repay you?" she asked.....With which he replied, "You don't need to repay me, you wouldn't believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek."
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A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.... there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age-- In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.""Onions, Dad?""Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.""A Christmas tree?""Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."
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First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgerytable with the body covered with a white sheet.The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth."Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and suc*ing on it.When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middlefinger and suc*ed on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
----------------
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" "How much for a season pass?"
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AN UNREASONABLE WISH REQUEST A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie! The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish." The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel. No. Think of another wish." The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing', know how to make them truly happy." The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
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WHAT IS POLITICS? A small boy asks his dad "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The Nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit!!!
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>9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" > >Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
--
>12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's > Cherry > >tree, but also admitted doing it. > >Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?" > >One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
--
nce there was a wedding dinner. The dinner occupied one half the restaurant. The other half was occupied by some Caucasian tourists. As the wedding couples hop from table to table to toast the guests, the cheers of "KAN PEI" (Mandarin version of 'bottoms-up' - due to happy & joyous drinking) gets louder and louder. One Caucasian gets more and more irritated as the couple get closer to him. "KAN PEI" ....."KAN....PEI"....!!!" The cheers continued. Finally, the irritated Caucasian couldn't take it anymore. He stood up on his chair and shouted. "IF YOU CAN'T PAY, THEN LET ME PAY FOR YOU!"
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Subject: Fw: Meet the parents
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' > >
house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family, and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginningto feel a little discomfort, thanks to her > > nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are about making her eyes > > water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit > > and lets out a dainty > > > fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table > > heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her > > boyfriend's father looked over at the dog which had been snoozing at > > the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big > > smile came across her face. A few minutes later, she was beginning > > to feel the pain again. > > > > > > > > > > > >This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let > > a much louder and longer > > > > fart > > > > > >rip. The father again looked at the dog and > > yelled, "Dammit > > > > > > > > > > > >Skippy!" > > > > > > > > > > > >Once again the woman smiled and thought > > "Yes!" A few minutes later, > > > > > > > > > > > >the woman had to let another one rip. This > > time, she didn't even > > > > > > > > > > > >think about it. She let rip a fart that > > rivaled a train whistle > > > blowing. > > > > > > > > > > > >Once again, the father looked at the dog with > > disgust and yelled, > > > "Dammit > > > > > >Skippy, get away from her before she shits on > > you!"
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There once was a very good old barber in New York.One day a florist goes to him for a haircut.After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you.I am doing community service." The Florist is happy and leaves the shop.The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The cop is happy and leavesthe shop.The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.A Singaporean software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Singaporean softwareengineer is happy and leaves.The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there...Can you guess?
Come on, think like a Singaporean....
have you got the answer .
come on .
guess a dozen Singaporeans are waiting for a free haircut!
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Times are badA NUS graduate finding difficulty in getting a job here finally accepted the offer to work with Mandai Zoo. "What to do? It's better to work like this than earn nothing...," he mumbled to himself. So the IT grad started work acting as a monkey. He had to wear monkey suit and mask, chew nuts and eat bananas. He also had to climb trees and jump from one to another to attract visitors. The zoo has since enjoyed tremendous business and an increase in visitor arrrivals. Even world leaders wanted to see the super 'smart' monkey of the world. Unfortunately, one day when he was jumping from the trees he slipped and fell into a crocodile pool! "Oh my God....I'm dying... now," he thought, as a hungry-looking crocodile swam steadily towards his direction. In the middle of his struggle, suddenly he heard a soft voice, "Don't be afraid my friend... I'm from NTU."
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AIDS Cure
Gay Kevin goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.The doctor comes back and says, "Kevin, I am not going to beat around thebush, you have AIDS"Kevin is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice"Kevin asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?""No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass isfor
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At the golf courseTwo old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that?... Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! ...That bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand ....."
----
Ah Beng serving his NS overseas and far from home,
was annoyed and upset when his girl Ah Lian wrote
breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph
back. He went out and collected from his friends all
the unwanted photographs of women that he couldfind, bundled them all together and sent them to her with
a note stating the following:
"Regret cannot remember which one is you...............
please keep your photo and return the others."
------
more to come soon :P
[/size] My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.
That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini-skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I
was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom , and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car
Ohh to be six
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms andthen took her off to the local theme park.What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M M's. What a fabulous adventure!Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed."You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story:Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear."God Almighty !" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good" and Mary fell back asleep.A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again."Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin.This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"The Teacher fainted.
A third grade teacher told her class, "Children, we are going to begin to study a little sex education. Tonight, girls, your first assignment will be to find out from your parents how to avoid getting pregnant. For you boys, your assignment will be to go home and find out what a penis is."So little Johnny goes home and asks his father, "Daddy, what is a penis?" The father pulls down his pants and points proudly saying, "Son, that is a perfect penis."The next day, when Johnny gets to school, his best friend runs up to him on the playground and says to Johnny, "I forgot to find out what a penis is! What's a penis!"Johnny tells him, "Come on." So they both go into the boys room and Johnny pulls down his pants. He points down and says, "There, if that was a little smaller, it would be a perfect penis!"
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror.This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion."If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper,and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, and began rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks."They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women`s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry." This infurated the wife and daughter so the daughter said."Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man`s twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"
Daniel wakes up at home with a huge hangover.He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is acouple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean andpressed.Daniel looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table."Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.LoveYou!"So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast andthe morning newspaper.His son is also at the table, eating.Daniel asks: "Son, what happened last night?"His son says: "Well, you came home around 3 am drunk and delirious.Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a blackeye when you stumbled into the door."Confused, Daniel asks: "So,why is everything in order and so clean, andbreakfast is on the table waiting for me?"His son replies" "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when shetried to take your pants off, you said,"LADY,LEAVE ME ALONE,I"MMARRIED!!"
MORAL of the tale:Self-induced hangover -- $100.00
Broken furniture -- $2,000.00Breakfast -- $10.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk -- PRICELESS
A young lady got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery. As a result, her husband offered the skin off his butt for the surgery. She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.One night she and her husband were watching TV when she broke down crying. "What's the matter?" her husband asked.She said "I can't believe you did this for me."Her husband hugged her and replied, "Don't worry about it, I love you, and I'd do anything for you.""But how will I ever repay you?" she asked.....With which he replied, "You don't need to repay me, you wouldn't believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek."
-------------------------------------------
A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.... there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age-- In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.""Onions, Dad?""Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.""A Christmas tree?""Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."
--------
First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgerytable with the body covered with a white sheet.The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth."Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and suc*ing on it.When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middlefinger and suc*ed on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
----------------
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" "How much for a season pass?"
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AN UNREASONABLE WISH REQUEST A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie! The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish." The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel. No. Think of another wish." The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing', know how to make them truly happy." The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
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WHAT IS POLITICS? A small boy asks his dad "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The Nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit!!!
---
>9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" > >Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
--
>12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's > Cherry > >tree, but also admitted doing it. > >Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?" > >One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
--
nce there was a wedding dinner. The dinner occupied one half the restaurant. The other half was occupied by some Caucasian tourists. As the wedding couples hop from table to table to toast the guests, the cheers of "KAN PEI" (Mandarin version of 'bottoms-up' - due to happy & joyous drinking) gets louder and louder. One Caucasian gets more and more irritated as the couple get closer to him. "KAN PEI" ....."KAN....PEI"....!!!" The cheers continued. Finally, the irritated Caucasian couldn't take it anymore. He stood up on his chair and shouted. "IF YOU CAN'T PAY, THEN LET ME PAY FOR YOU!"
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Subject: Fw: Meet the parents
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' > >
house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family, and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginningto feel a little discomfort, thanks to her > > nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are about making her eyes > > water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit > > and lets out a dainty > > > fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table > > heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her > > boyfriend's father looked over at the dog which had been snoozing at > > the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big > > smile came across her face. A few minutes later, she was beginning > > to feel the pain again. > > > > > > > > > > > >This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let > > a much louder and longer > > > > fart > > > > > >rip. The father again looked at the dog and > > yelled, "Dammit > > > > > > > > > > > >Skippy!" > > > > > > > > > > > >Once again the woman smiled and thought > > "Yes!" A few minutes later, > > > > > > > > > > > >the woman had to let another one rip. This > > time, she didn't even > > > > > > > > > > > >think about it. She let rip a fart that > > rivaled a train whistle > > > blowing. > > > > > > > > > > > >Once again, the father looked at the dog with > > disgust and yelled, > > > "Dammit > > > > > >Skippy, get away from her before she shits on > > you!"
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There once was a very good old barber in New York.One day a florist goes to him for a haircut.After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you.I am doing community service." The Florist is happy and leaves the shop.The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The cop is happy and leavesthe shop.The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.A Singaporean software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Singaporean softwareengineer is happy and leaves.The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there...Can you guess?
Come on, think like a Singaporean....
have you got the answer .
come on .
guess a dozen Singaporeans are waiting for a free haircut!
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Times are badA NUS graduate finding difficulty in getting a job here finally accepted the offer to work with Mandai Zoo. "What to do? It's better to work like this than earn nothing...," he mumbled to himself. So the IT grad started work acting as a monkey. He had to wear monkey suit and mask, chew nuts and eat bananas. He also had to climb trees and jump from one to another to attract visitors. The zoo has since enjoyed tremendous business and an increase in visitor arrrivals. Even world leaders wanted to see the super 'smart' monkey of the world. Unfortunately, one day when he was jumping from the trees he slipped and fell into a crocodile pool! "Oh my God....I'm dying... now," he thought, as a hungry-looking crocodile swam steadily towards his direction. In the middle of his struggle, suddenly he heard a soft voice, "Don't be afraid my friend... I'm from NTU."
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AIDS Cure
Gay Kevin goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.The doctor comes back and says, "Kevin, I am not going to beat around thebush, you have AIDS"Kevin is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice"Kevin asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?""No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass isfor
---
At the golf courseTwo old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that?... Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! ...That bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand ....."
----
Ah Beng serving his NS overseas and far from home,
was annoyed and upset when his girl Ah Lian wrote
breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph
back. He went out and collected from his friends all
the unwanted photographs of women that he couldfind, bundled them all together and sent them to her with
a note stating the following:
"Regret cannot remember which one is you...............
please keep your photo and return the others."
------
more to come soon :P
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